"The Social Network" effect

So I went to see the new movie, “The Social Network,” today and I found it to be a rather good movie. It’s a movie not about the scandalous thought process behind the world phenomenon of Facebook and how it was built to destroy the minds of millions. It’s a movie about a kid who got pissed off after being dumped one night, wrote a blog trashing his ex-girlfriend and her family’s name (and bra size), posted it on his schools private “Facebook,” while creating another website in which he compares women’s looks to one another and sent out a link all over the school for all to vote and humilate.

The film grew to be something much bigger than that. It tells the story of a socially awkward genius who takes the seed of an idea and injects hormones into it that makes the seed better and stronger than it originally was. Problem is that’s sort of illegal and this kid manages to piss two different parties off at the same time and gets sued (separately) by both.

The movie was a great piece of work. It doesn’t make you feel guilty about being on Facebook, in fact, it makes you glad that someone had the foresight to see what a brilliant idea this was and wanted to share it with the world, and not just the Harvard asshole elite (which was the orignal purpose).

“The Social Network” is the story of the single signature social change of our generation. The movie shows why Facebook beat out other websites like MySpace -which was set to take over a nation before Facebook came along- as the biggest thing to hit our generation since the internet itself. The movie doesn’t make using Facebook look bad or it’s creators. It simply tells how A became C without bias.

But this blog isn’t about this great movie (which I really want to see again), it’s about how I felt after the movie: depressed. There was a sad subtext in the movie that was beautifully express through the lead actor’s, Jesse Eisenberg, brilliant performance: money doesn’t equal happiness.

For the past few month’s I’ve been trying to win the lottery in order to get more money in order to not have to worry about money. I want to win so I’ll be financially secure for a while and buy that dream home I’d been wanting and go on that dream vacation. I also wanted to quit one of my jobs so I could devote more time to writing and finishing my book.

Since I started this little dream I have done the following: quit one of my jobs and finished my book. Although I have not yet won the money, I have done two of the things I most wanted to do and I’m very happy with that. I’m glad I’m finished writing all the chapters of my book, though I have a lot of editing to do, the hurled has been conquered.

However, I find myself depressed because I'm single. I thought it was due to the fact that I'm not winning the lottery, but I realize that winning the lottery will probably only keep me lonely. I had decided to stop dating to focus on my writing and keep myself from getting distracted from my work. Now that I'm finished I'm ready to get back out there, but finding love is harder than finding a publisher.

As I start my search I use my old tried and not so true method of online dating. As I jumped back into the dating pool I am reminded of just how cold it is. Although I know it’s true what my former boss use to say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result, I have not learned my lesson.

After being on a few dating sites for less than a week I feel discouraged and disappointed with the results. But that's how I am. I get bored with the whole dating business easily and want to change my mind almost before I've given myself a chance at love. Perhaps, I could be bipolar. My mood changes so much that I hate making decision because I’m not 100% sure I’ll stick with it 5 minutes later.


But for some reason, after viewing this movie, I’m left with this depression feeling. The feeling of not knowing at all what I wanted to do once I was done with the movie made it worst. I was supposed to have had a date, but I guess I wasn’t what he wanted, so I’m stuck again wondering what’s wrong with me.

Rejection, failure, loneness, all these things makes for one difficult Saturday night. I might get up later and dance or workout, but the reality of my circumstances won’t change. See that’s the thing that sucks about feeling like this: temporary fixes. I can write, read, dance, workout, pump myself up to believe that things aren’t bad, but even I know it’s just a phase.

I’m probably PMSing, I’ve been masturbating like a man for the past week and I’m still very cranky. I could have hooked up and fucked a dude this weekend, but I know I’d just regret it later. I could go to McDonald’s and blow my money on fatty foods knowing that I’ll just regret it later because that’s what I do. I know this routine, unfortunately I don’t know how to win it.

Writing helps. I’ll be at work all day tomorrow and that kind of blows, but it’s also where I need to be. I need to be out of this depressing house, even for 21 hours, just to pretend I’m normal in my head. There are so many things I should be doing, but I’m not because I’m depressed. I need to get back on my birth control pills because they were helping.

I’ve written all I can write now. I’m gonna try to read something and drift off to my dream life. Maybe I’ll get happy enough to get me to the next page or able to watch a little television. Whatever I do, I just hope it’s not suicide.

In Joy

In an odd twist of faith I got my answer and I’m totally okay. I’m not angry, I’m not sad. I want to cry because I feel like it’s finally over. I feel like everything I want will come my way now because I let everything go. I feel as if I won the battle.

I’ve been able to confirm my first love is married and happy and I’m so okay with it. I don’t feel any anger I feel relief. Not even jealous, just joy. I feel more thankful than I’ve in a long time. I want to cry, but the feeling not that overwhelming yet. But now I know my spiratual self is listening. She’s listening and she knows what’s best for me. All these missing pieces are falling back in my life and now I’m soooo ready for the future. I feel like my future has just begun.

I’m so good. I’m wonderful. I’m beside myself. I’m soooooo good right now and this is my moment and I’m in joy! This is what it feels like to be in joy.

The Bitch

The Bitch


When I broke up with him I felt nothing
I never loved him anyway
More glad than sad to be rid of him
I never meant to be cruel, I just didn’t love him

If you were to hear his side of the story
You would be lead to believe I was an assassin:

“She shot me in my heart, the parasitic bitch, and then stabbed my wound.”
“She kicked my soul, making it bleed.”
“She’s a cold-hearted BITCH with no soul!”

We had planned our lives together, though the dream was always his
I never saw us as “us”
There is no reason why
He was not pathetic
He was not indecent
He was not a bad person

He just was not the one.

I walked away with no desire to ever see him again
I knew he would be hurt…
I knew he would suffer…
I knew that if I leave, it would kill him to live

…but still I left him
I was not sad
I did not care for his pain because there could be no other way

As long as my plan was to leave, there would be hurt
That’s just the way it is

Over the years he would have changed my name several times:
“That Heartless Whore!”
“That Bastarded Bitch!”
“That Gutless, Spineless, Piece of SHIT!”

Every dastardly colorful name he could use
Except the one name I truly deserved to be called:
The Bitch who did not love him
And there was nothing he could do

Found something

So here it is, another weeknight, and I'm sitting alone at my computer getting ready to get ready for bed. My usually routine is to watch some smutty Internet porn until I'm really sleepy and then go to bed. However, tonight I decided to look up one of my favorite actors on google, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I found a fan site that lead to a website which he runs called "hitRECord.org." It's a website where a bunch of people can post videos and remix them and do all kinds of crazy shit. So I thought "Humm, this is better than Internet porn." Art is good. I haven't been able to get as into to art as I like, but what I am into is something different. Something new from something old. So I'll browse through this site and hopefully I'll be inspired enough to do something.

Moving on isn't so easy

When you’ve been heart broken, it seems like life passes you by without the courtesy of asking you if you want to come along. There always seems to be something missing from your life when you’re single. Even personal accomplishments like losing weight, finishing school, moving into your first home, or getting that dream job, all seem to falter in accomplishments when you don’t have someone “special” to celebrate that life with. Meanwhile, everyone else in the world seems to move on, finding love, starting a family, and they feel complete. Even if they don’t have anything else or even half of what you have- they have a family and that seems to trump your personal best.

It especially hurts when someone you saw yourself being with has done this while you’re still waiting. I mean, sure it just mean they weren’t meant for you, but why in the hell is it taking so long for you to meet “the one”? Despite your best efforts you seem to always lose in that category. You can have the damn accomplishments in the world but they honestly don’t mean much if your heart is empty or broken.

So what do us “losers” do? What do we do about being “the last one standing” with no future prospects on the horizon and the world in our hand? Sitting back and watching all those of our failed relationships past move on with their “one” as we watch with nothing to do but ask questions the questions that start with “why.”

Why wasn’t that us?
Why wasn’t I “the one”?
Why weren’t you “the one?
Why haven’t I found “the one”?
Why do you get to beat me in the love game?
Why? Why? Why am I still standing here?

All these questions that arise in your head and you can’t help but wonder if you will even find the answer. On the upside, these questions do force you to be stronger because you will not get an answer. You don’t get the answer until you’ve found what you’re looking for. But you won’t get the answer soon, so you must find your way on your own. You must move on with your life, for the time being, until someone comes along with the answers.

The answer will be in the form of “the one,” but who really knows if you’ll really get an answer? You’ve waited so long and tried so hard, but you still get nothing for your patience, so who’s to say it will come. They always say, “Be patient. It will happen for you?” But seriously, how long does it take? I for one have been waiting for 11 years. Eleven depressing years and still…I’m answerless.

Sorry folks, but I refuse to give you the cheery pep talk about finding “the one” when it has eluded me for over a decade. I have idea if we ever find our answer. If our lives will ever be fulfilled with love and a family. All those things that make us feel whole even when we’ve accomplished nothing. I see people who seem to find love easier than finding the right deodorant. I have no idea if things happen the way people they should, but if I was to venture a guess I’d have to be negative Nancy and say no.

You can be good, accomplished, and patient, all those things people tell you to be while looking for love and it may still never happen. I can’t imagine being head over heels in love anymore. I have no idea what feels to be in love so I cannot manifest the feeling to attract it. Perhaps if you have been in love before and know the feeling, then you might have better luck than I have had, but I can’t make any promises.

Do what you can to make your joy come true for you because in the end, you still have to deal with yourself. So you might as well make yourself happy.

Love is Evil

You know you are wrong. Something about the whole thing seems all wrong. The way it started. The way it ended. The way it feels right now. Nothing feels like you anymore. You’re not even sure if the decisions you make will pay-off in the end. Everything is just as dull as it seems.
That’s the feeling I have now after having a big fight over something little. I feel like I might have made the wrong decision. I feel like I fell in love with the wrong person, or at least the wrong type of person. It’s true that every fight we have we learn something, but how many fights do we have to have to learn everything? How many things must be broken before we can put the pieces back together in the right place?
Is there a right place? Perhaps the garbage. But maybe I’m being a bit dramatic for the occasion. I guess this is the stuff people sweep up and hide under the carpet. The dirt in the relationship. The stuff you don’t want people to see. The stuff you don’t want to see. But no matter where you hide it, it’s still in the room. You still have to step on that carpet. You still have to live with it. It’s still there.

So how do you get out?
Do you get it out?

Do you just move to a new mess and take the old mess with you?

Love is the most evil thing in the world. It doesn’t tell you anything, it just feels. It just convinces you that you are happy and everything is fine and life is full of bubbles and candy. It blinds you from that dirt under the carpet.

It lies and lies and blinds and blinds.

It’s stupid and dumb.
It’s okay because later I’ll say I was wrong. It’s convince me that it’ll get better. But I know now, Love is wrong.

It isn't so complicated

So last night I saw the movie “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. It’s a romantic comedy about a divorced couple of 10 years who end up having an affair after getting drunk the night before their son graduate’s from college. It’s a cute little romantic story of love, emotions, and conflicts and fucked up circumstances. One that I’m sure women of a certain age can really relate too, but this blog isn’t about this movie. This blog is about my relations with going to the movies.
For years, I’ve gone to movies alone with the excitement of finding something about myself from these fictional characters. My expectations where that I will somehow find what I was looking for after viewing one of these movies or at least get a better understanding of why I was alone and single. Going to the movies alone had become my treat to myself because in some odd way I enjoyed torturing myself by thinking about how lonely and sad my life was.
The long walk of solitude to the train station that followed each movie left me with plenty of time to self-loath and basks in the shadow of my loneliness. I purposely went to theater’s downtown so I would have to walk a long way to the train station because I secretly hoped I’d run into Mr. Right along my way. I secretly hoped he was lurking in the shadow’s, watching me, waiting until I was at my ultimate low so he could pop out just at the right time to answer all those crazy questions in my head and rescue me from this lonely life.

Every movie had an answer I thought.

But eventually that got old and I learned to drive, got a car and I strived for something better. My love life had become a movie I watched over and over too many time and frankly, I was no longer enjoying this show. Me, the leading lady, had gotten too pitiful for me to absorb anymore. However, I knew that someday things would change, I just didn’t know when. But I still had it all in my head on how it was supposed to happen.
“Walking along side the black Chicago River, I tuck my hands deep in my coat’s pockets to stay warm. It is very cold and icy. The chilly winter windy surrounded me like ants to cake crumbs on a summer’s day.
I walked alone. With nothing but my headphones, thoughts about my future, and scenes of my recently viewed movie danced around in my head. I walked alone in this city as an independent caterpillar waiting to bust out her of cocoon to be who she always was. And even thought this girl is strong, brave, beautiful and big, somewhere waiting for her was a hero. Her hero. My hero. Yes, he was there and any day now, he was going to reveal himself and finely take his prize. Because he, like me, deserves best and blah, blah, blah…”
Somewhere between drama and fact, I found reality and knew this just couldn’t continue on. It was time to change this twisted pattern of trying to find the perfect man and perfect life to finally be happy and just get happy. Enough with the sad little former film student who didn’t do what she went to college to do, but refuses to settle for the life she had.

So fast-forward to January 24, 2010. There I was in Madison, WI, at my favorite theater Sundance, enjoying a delicious creamy artichoke pizza and pumpkin spiced chai with rum. My recent visits there included either a best friend, or my boyfriend. So this night I was going to enjoy doing what I used to do for years. Watch a film in solitude and let my mind fill with questions about my loneliness.
As I sat alone in the theater, I was quite comfortable. I sent a few text messages out, took off my shoes and laughed loudly to parts of the movie I found funny. Then at some point during the viewing, I realized something was missing. This love story, as cute and charming as it was, didn’t hit me the same way. I didn’t envy the characters for what they had, instead I found it boring. I didn’t go “awwww” at the cutest stuff simply because it wasn’t cute anymore. As well written, acted and directed as this movie was, it didn’t do it for me anymore. No questions and no answers.
As I left the theater the only questions flooded my head was should I listen to the new John Mayer CD or Rihanna? Did my house catch fire because I left the pot cooker on for like 10 hours? Would my chicken be burned to crisp? Do I really want to eat anymore of the banana pudding I made? All these questions where new to me and a clear sign that I had grown up into adulthood without ever realizing the transition.
This year I will be 30 years old. Another clear sign that I am an adult (duh), and that I have evolved from a depressed, lonely, sad, loner in Chicago to a strong, confident, motivated woman. Sure, I’m not there fully there yet, but I’m miles away from who I was.
In a way, I kinda miss that lonely little girl walking home alone in Chicago. She was better than she thought she was, but not who she saw herself as. I’m still not as I see myself, but what I see is the opposite of her. I have accomplished many of those things I once dreamed about accomplishing. I’m in a relationship now and I’m planning to get married and have babies. I’m thinking about things I never thought I’d be thinking about because I never gave myself that credit. I’m glad I’m where I am today.