A Good Piece of Fabric

I’m at that stage where I am unsure about whether or not I want to be in a relationship. I’m happy single, and when I say happy I mean it. I’m happy being on my own schedule, doing whatever I want to do and being dependant on me. I like coming home to my house and being alone in my space. Right now my life is all about me, me, me and at 31 it’s hard to see my life as a we, we, we.

Now, this is not to say I don’t want to have a relationship someday. In fact, I would like that very much. I would like to turn into a “we” one day, but only with the right “he.” I’m not a girl who dates a guy just to avoid being lonely. Those are the most pathetic women in the world: “I stay with him so I don’t have to be alone.”

If that’s your argument now when does it end?
I recent cared for a 79 year old woman who had been married for 52 years before her husband died, and then she remarried a year later. Then she got Dementia and he left her at the drop of a hat because he couldn’t take care of her. She was so heartbroken that she lost her will to live and her Dementia got the best of her. She stopped eating, sleeping and slowly her family watched as their mother and grandmother lost all her memories and just faded away.

She was 79, but she probably had another 5 to 10 years on her. My aunt has been living actively with Dementia for about 10 years and she hasn’t reached that stage where her decline is so bad that she’s lost the will to live. My aunt is 89 years old and in all my 31 years I’ve never seen her with a man.

The point here is that once you’ve become independent you can pretty much survive anything, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone along the way.

I’m not going to pretend that I don’t get lonely or that sometimes I wish I had a companion around so I wouldn’t have to please myself (or cook my own dinner). However, the fact and I have learned to live for myself is a value that most don’t understand. There is no better gift to receive than the gift you give to yourself and that’s self love.

My ex-boyfriend once told me that he loved me more than he loved himself. I looked at him and thought I feel the same way; I love me more than I love you. And then I thought how sad that must be for him. I’m not saying that I was selfish and so should he, but to value someone else’s life over your own just because you aren’t happy with who you are is quite pathetic. I would put my life on the line for my sister, my grandma and my niece and nephews, but not because I love them more than I love myself. It’s because I just love them and I’d rather not live my life without them if I had the choice.

The type of love I’m looking for is with someone who I value. To determine the value of one’s life compared to your own is like comparing them to half of yourself. If a couple makes a whole, then I need my other half to be the best parts of about me that I don’t want to live without, but can.

Relationships are like clothes: we all have our favorite item because it’s cute and makes us look good, but eventually it wears thin and gets old. Some people chose to go out and throw it out for something new and some hold on to it because they would miss it too much. But the prefect item of clothing, like a relationship, will never go out of style or wear thin if you picked a good, solid piece of fabric to begin with.

So that’s basically what I’m looking for, a good piece of fabric to begin with. So far I haven’t had much luck with the outfits I’ve tried one, but like everything in life it will be worth the wait once I’ve found it.