You know you are wrong. Something about the whole thing seems all wrong. The way it started. The way it ended. The way it feels right now. Nothing feels like you anymore. You’re not even sure if the decisions you make will pay-off in the end. Everything is just as dull as it seems.
That’s the feeling I have now after having a big fight over something little. I feel like I might have made the wrong decision. I feel like I fell in love with the wrong person, or at least the wrong type of person. It’s true that every fight we have we learn something, but how many fights do we have to have to learn everything? How many things must be broken before we can put the pieces back together in the right place?
Is there a right place? Perhaps the garbage. But maybe I’m being a bit dramatic for the occasion. I guess this is the stuff people sweep up and hide under the carpet. The dirt in the relationship. The stuff you don’t want people to see. The stuff you don’t want to see. But no matter where you hide it, it’s still in the room. You still have to step on that carpet. You still have to live with it. It’s still there.
So how do you get out?
Do you get it out?
Do you just move to a new mess and take the old mess with you?
Love is the most evil thing in the world. It doesn’t tell you anything, it just feels. It just convinces you that you are happy and everything is fine and life is full of bubbles and candy. It blinds you from that dirt under the carpet.
It lies and lies and blinds and blinds.
It’s stupid and dumb.
It’s okay because later I’ll say I was wrong. It’s convince me that it’ll get better. But I know now, Love is wrong.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
It isn't so complicated
So last night I saw the movie “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. It’s a romantic comedy about a divorced couple of 10 years who end up having an affair after getting drunk the night before their son graduate’s from college. It’s a cute little romantic story of love, emotions, and conflicts and fucked up circumstances. One that I’m sure women of a certain age can really relate too, but this blog isn’t about this movie. This blog is about my relations with going to the movies.
For years, I’ve gone to movies alone with the excitement of finding something about myself from these fictional characters. My expectations where that I will somehow find what I was looking for after viewing one of these movies or at least get a better understanding of why I was alone and single. Going to the movies alone had become my treat to myself because in some odd way I enjoyed torturing myself by thinking about how lonely and sad my life was.
The long walk of solitude to the train station that followed each movie left me with plenty of time to self-loath and basks in the shadow of my loneliness. I purposely went to theater’s downtown so I would have to walk a long way to the train station because I secretly hoped I’d run into Mr. Right along my way. I secretly hoped he was lurking in the shadow’s, watching me, waiting until I was at my ultimate low so he could pop out just at the right time to answer all those crazy questions in my head and rescue me from this lonely life.
Every movie had an answer I thought.
But eventually that got old and I learned to drive, got a car and I strived for something better. My love life had become a movie I watched over and over too many time and frankly, I was no longer enjoying this show. Me, the leading lady, had gotten too pitiful for me to absorb anymore. However, I knew that someday things would change, I just didn’t know when. But I still had it all in my head on how it was supposed to happen.
“Walking along side the black Chicago River, I tuck my hands deep in my coat’s pockets to stay warm. It is very cold and icy. The chilly winter windy surrounded me like ants to cake crumbs on a summer’s day.
I walked alone. With nothing but my headphones, thoughts about my future, and scenes of my recently viewed movie danced around in my head. I walked alone in this city as an independent caterpillar waiting to bust out her of cocoon to be who she always was. And even thought this girl is strong, brave, beautiful and big, somewhere waiting for her was a hero. Her hero. My hero. Yes, he was there and any day now, he was going to reveal himself and finely take his prize. Because he, like me, deserves best and blah, blah, blah…”
Somewhere between drama and fact, I found reality and knew this just couldn’t continue on. It was time to change this twisted pattern of trying to find the perfect man and perfect life to finally be happy and just get happy. Enough with the sad little former film student who didn’t do what she went to college to do, but refuses to settle for the life she had.
So fast-forward to January 24, 2010. There I was in Madison, WI, at my favorite theater Sundance, enjoying a delicious creamy artichoke pizza and pumpkin spiced chai with rum. My recent visits there included either a best friend, or my boyfriend. So this night I was going to enjoy doing what I used to do for years. Watch a film in solitude and let my mind fill with questions about my loneliness.
As I sat alone in the theater, I was quite comfortable. I sent a few text messages out, took off my shoes and laughed loudly to parts of the movie I found funny. Then at some point during the viewing, I realized something was missing. This love story, as cute and charming as it was, didn’t hit me the same way. I didn’t envy the characters for what they had, instead I found it boring. I didn’t go “awwww” at the cutest stuff simply because it wasn’t cute anymore. As well written, acted and directed as this movie was, it didn’t do it for me anymore. No questions and no answers.
As I left the theater the only questions flooded my head was should I listen to the new John Mayer CD or Rihanna? Did my house catch fire because I left the pot cooker on for like 10 hours? Would my chicken be burned to crisp? Do I really want to eat anymore of the banana pudding I made? All these questions where new to me and a clear sign that I had grown up into adulthood without ever realizing the transition.
This year I will be 30 years old. Another clear sign that I am an adult (duh), and that I have evolved from a depressed, lonely, sad, loner in Chicago to a strong, confident, motivated woman. Sure, I’m not there fully there yet, but I’m miles away from who I was.
In a way, I kinda miss that lonely little girl walking home alone in Chicago. She was better than she thought she was, but not who she saw herself as. I’m still not as I see myself, but what I see is the opposite of her. I have accomplished many of those things I once dreamed about accomplishing. I’m in a relationship now and I’m planning to get married and have babies. I’m thinking about things I never thought I’d be thinking about because I never gave myself that credit. I’m glad I’m where I am today.
For years, I’ve gone to movies alone with the excitement of finding something about myself from these fictional characters. My expectations where that I will somehow find what I was looking for after viewing one of these movies or at least get a better understanding of why I was alone and single. Going to the movies alone had become my treat to myself because in some odd way I enjoyed torturing myself by thinking about how lonely and sad my life was.
The long walk of solitude to the train station that followed each movie left me with plenty of time to self-loath and basks in the shadow of my loneliness. I purposely went to theater’s downtown so I would have to walk a long way to the train station because I secretly hoped I’d run into Mr. Right along my way. I secretly hoped he was lurking in the shadow’s, watching me, waiting until I was at my ultimate low so he could pop out just at the right time to answer all those crazy questions in my head and rescue me from this lonely life.
Every movie had an answer I thought.
But eventually that got old and I learned to drive, got a car and I strived for something better. My love life had become a movie I watched over and over too many time and frankly, I was no longer enjoying this show. Me, the leading lady, had gotten too pitiful for me to absorb anymore. However, I knew that someday things would change, I just didn’t know when. But I still had it all in my head on how it was supposed to happen.
“Walking along side the black Chicago River, I tuck my hands deep in my coat’s pockets to stay warm. It is very cold and icy. The chilly winter windy surrounded me like ants to cake crumbs on a summer’s day.
I walked alone. With nothing but my headphones, thoughts about my future, and scenes of my recently viewed movie danced around in my head. I walked alone in this city as an independent caterpillar waiting to bust out her of cocoon to be who she always was. And even thought this girl is strong, brave, beautiful and big, somewhere waiting for her was a hero. Her hero. My hero. Yes, he was there and any day now, he was going to reveal himself and finely take his prize. Because he, like me, deserves best and blah, blah, blah…”
Somewhere between drama and fact, I found reality and knew this just couldn’t continue on. It was time to change this twisted pattern of trying to find the perfect man and perfect life to finally be happy and just get happy. Enough with the sad little former film student who didn’t do what she went to college to do, but refuses to settle for the life she had.
So fast-forward to January 24, 2010. There I was in Madison, WI, at my favorite theater Sundance, enjoying a delicious creamy artichoke pizza and pumpkin spiced chai with rum. My recent visits there included either a best friend, or my boyfriend. So this night I was going to enjoy doing what I used to do for years. Watch a film in solitude and let my mind fill with questions about my loneliness.
As I sat alone in the theater, I was quite comfortable. I sent a few text messages out, took off my shoes and laughed loudly to parts of the movie I found funny. Then at some point during the viewing, I realized something was missing. This love story, as cute and charming as it was, didn’t hit me the same way. I didn’t envy the characters for what they had, instead I found it boring. I didn’t go “awwww” at the cutest stuff simply because it wasn’t cute anymore. As well written, acted and directed as this movie was, it didn’t do it for me anymore. No questions and no answers.
As I left the theater the only questions flooded my head was should I listen to the new John Mayer CD or Rihanna? Did my house catch fire because I left the pot cooker on for like 10 hours? Would my chicken be burned to crisp? Do I really want to eat anymore of the banana pudding I made? All these questions where new to me and a clear sign that I had grown up into adulthood without ever realizing the transition.
This year I will be 30 years old. Another clear sign that I am an adult (duh), and that I have evolved from a depressed, lonely, sad, loner in Chicago to a strong, confident, motivated woman. Sure, I’m not there fully there yet, but I’m miles away from who I was.
In a way, I kinda miss that lonely little girl walking home alone in Chicago. She was better than she thought she was, but not who she saw herself as. I’m still not as I see myself, but what I see is the opposite of her. I have accomplished many of those things I once dreamed about accomplishing. I’m in a relationship now and I’m planning to get married and have babies. I’m thinking about things I never thought I’d be thinking about because I never gave myself that credit. I’m glad I’m where I am today.
Monday, August 3, 2009
To online date or not to online date...
That is the question that I have been struggling to answer myself. Since 2003 I have been a serial online dater with absolutely no luck. Not even as much as a semi-serious boyfriend. So taking the advice of my ex-boss (though this advice was for cold calling, not dating) to do the same thing over and over and expect something different is the definition of insanity. That being said, for me to continue to online date with hopes of finding Mr. Right is insane.
I've joined countless dating website over the last 6+ years and I have no recommendation on any. They all seem to lead to the same type of guys. Horny, old, lonely bastards who aren't looking for anything serious, just a “friend.” That's code for "fuck buddy." I have been on enough of these sites to have picked up online dating etiquette so I can read between the lines. Literally. Here are a few tips.
If you strike up a semi-good conversation with a guy and then he asked for more pictures of you, cut him off. He is only interested in sex and not serious at all about a relationship. On top of that, he's a jerk because he's judging you on your appearance and doesn’t have much interest in getting to know you.
If a guy sends you a mail that's long and it has a bunch of errors, mark his illiterate ass down and walk away. Yeah, sure we all have typos or make one or two mistakes, but when there are several mistakes to the point were the guy isn't even making sense or didn't seem to care about what he wrote to proofread it, don’t bother reading it. It's obvious that you are one of many ladies he's mailing and he's just trying to see who will hit back. It's perfectly fine for guys to be into other women beside you, but to not care about what he's saying to you because he’s trying to get a catch, shows he's not gonna care much about if you don’t respond. You want a guy to want you to write him back because they are here to find a date to start a serious relationship.
And be care of the "too good to be true" guys. You know the kind of guy that loves hiking, camping, long walks on the beach. All too cliché for 2009. Seriously, if a guy seems to be saying all the "right" things to you, but you know deep down in your heart he can't be serious, then he's not. A good way to test to see if a guy is being genuine in his response is to ask him deep questions. Ask him about his last relationship, but don't do it in an aggressive way. You gotta be cleaver when it comes to the ex because guys are more sensitive than women when they've been burned. So try to say something like, "what happened to in your last relationship, if you don’t mind talking about it?" If he doesn't give any detail then you know you're dealing with someone who is totally blocking and has his walls are up. You can continue to try to break them down, but ladies be careful. Those walls are hiding something dark and you have to be sure you even want to go there with him. But of course if you’re looking for Mr. Right then you will want to.
I've joined countless dating website over the last 6+ years and I have no recommendation on any. They all seem to lead to the same type of guys. Horny, old, lonely bastards who aren't looking for anything serious, just a “friend.” That's code for "fuck buddy." I have been on enough of these sites to have picked up online dating etiquette so I can read between the lines. Literally. Here are a few tips.
If you strike up a semi-good conversation with a guy and then he asked for more pictures of you, cut him off. He is only interested in sex and not serious at all about a relationship. On top of that, he's a jerk because he's judging you on your appearance and doesn’t have much interest in getting to know you.
If a guy sends you a mail that's long and it has a bunch of errors, mark his illiterate ass down and walk away. Yeah, sure we all have typos or make one or two mistakes, but when there are several mistakes to the point were the guy isn't even making sense or didn't seem to care about what he wrote to proofread it, don’t bother reading it. It's obvious that you are one of many ladies he's mailing and he's just trying to see who will hit back. It's perfectly fine for guys to be into other women beside you, but to not care about what he's saying to you because he’s trying to get a catch, shows he's not gonna care much about if you don’t respond. You want a guy to want you to write him back because they are here to find a date to start a serious relationship.
And be care of the "too good to be true" guys. You know the kind of guy that loves hiking, camping, long walks on the beach. All too cliché for 2009. Seriously, if a guy seems to be saying all the "right" things to you, but you know deep down in your heart he can't be serious, then he's not. A good way to test to see if a guy is being genuine in his response is to ask him deep questions. Ask him about his last relationship, but don't do it in an aggressive way. You gotta be cleaver when it comes to the ex because guys are more sensitive than women when they've been burned. So try to say something like, "what happened to in your last relationship, if you don’t mind talking about it?" If he doesn't give any detail then you know you're dealing with someone who is totally blocking and has his walls are up. You can continue to try to break them down, but ladies be careful. Those walls are hiding something dark and you have to be sure you even want to go there with him. But of course if you’re looking for Mr. Right then you will want to.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Men are not good listeners
It's true men are not good listeners. Every woman has experienced the frustration of giving their man a simple task to complete only to watch them fail in amazement. Sure women can be nagging and annoying, but when you guys fuck up even the simplest of request it's easy to see how a woman could become that way. For example, I went out with a friend and her boyfriend last night and she asked him to get her a diet Pepsi. He then asks if I wanted anything and I tell him to get me the same thing. He buys one diet Pepsi (for me) and two regulars (for her and him). Later he claims that she asked for a regular which I'm amazed that he remembers it that way when I asked him to get me the same thing she asked for yet I'm the only one with a diet Pepsi.
Back in the caveman days it might have been excusable for an man to come home after hunting for dinner all day to forget to bring home some extra leaves for the cave woman's period. After All he was just trying to avoid being killed by a man eating lion for chrissakes. But today, when guys have no problem out right asking for sex (which isn't romantic), can't remember to get a diet Pepsi for his girl.
Men are a selfish breed who only seek justice for themselves with no regard to the woman and what she's worth. And women, because we also look for the perfect opportunity to bitch about something, fall victim to their selfish handicap for the justice of being right. That's right. Women like to be right and we will never pass up an opportunity to prove it.
For example, my friend asked her husband to get her a lemonade and he came back with a strawberry milkshake with a banana dipped in the middle. His reasoning was that he wanted her to try something new. It's moments like this that causes huge arguments and fights that last days in a relationship and causes friends like me write blogs about the stupid things men do.
So what is the problem that men have with listening? Seriously, what is the mechanical default in men's brain that prevents them to pay attention to the smallest of details? I know answer is not out their, but it doesn't matter because this isn't a problem that will ever be fixed. It's just part what makes men men. Let's face it women, he ain't never going to remember your birthday. It's the same time every year, but he just won't remember. Or he might never remember y'alls anniversary, or where you went on your first date and you know what, that's just shit on us.
Remember back in the day when that wonderful song from Destiny's Child came out called "Bills, Bills, Bills"? The song is about a boyfriend who starts using up his girlfriend's cellphone bill, making her pay every time they go out, maxing up her credit cards and going on shopping sprees with his friends. So she decides to get rid of him because he can't pay the bills that he's racking up on her credit.
Now, when the song came out there was this whole debate with men vs. women with the men asking "why she can't pay her own bills?" Many frustrated women fought to explain the song's theme to these hard headed me only to have their argument fall on deaf ears. When men here this song they don't hear the lyrics,
"Now you've been maxing out my cards/
Giving me bad credit buying me gifts with my
Own ends/ Haven't paid the first bill /
But you're steady heading to the mall /
Going on shopping sprees perpetrating /
to your friends that you be balling /
And then you use my cell phone /
Calling whoever that you think at home/
And then when the bill comes all of a sudden
you be acting dumb /Don't know where none of these
calls come from /When your mama's number's here more than once..."
The only line they hear is the course which goes,
"Can you pay my bills
Can you pay my telephone bills
Can you pay my automo-bills
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don't think you do
So, you and me are through"
And no matter how hard you explain it to them they always prove us right when it comes to listening. It's true that people believe what they want to believe and hear what they want to hear. I'm sure any guy will tell you about a time when their girl accused him of cheating when his entire story clearly explained he did not. The reason? People like drama. Especially men. Yeah, women like it too, but a woman would put in more effort to change themselves to reduce drama before a man would. I know this because I have done it, my girlfriends have done it, the men....NEVER.
Men claim that their woman is always nagging, always complaining and blah blah and then they blame her for causing the drama. Stop right there. Yeah, women do nag but that's only because men procrastinate.
I once told an ex to take out the garbage for me and my grandma. We were cooking and needed to make a new garbage bag because this one was full. My boyfriend said yeah he'll do it, but later. We didn't need it done later, we needed it to be done now. Otherwise we wouldn't have asked. Women are very good at giving directions and if it's something that can be put off until later then we'll tell you that it could be done later. We will literally say "Baby, I need you to take out the garbage later" or "Baby when you leave out can you take the garbage with you." If we're doing something to make your life easier the least you could do is get off your fucking ass for 2 minutes to run the garbage down to the trash.
Then of course when we just take matters into our own hands one of two things will happen, we're either going to yell at you for not doing what we asked when we asked or you're going to get upset at us for doing it ourselves because you claim that you were going to do it, but later. Either one is going to start an argument which could have been avoided it men only did what?.... Got up and did what we asked in the first place.
And this is why the drama is created by the guys. Because they know and expect us to get frustrated and angry about them not doing what we asked and they know an argument will come out of it. Otherwise they would have just gotten their lazy ass up and did what you asked.
And ladies if your man's response to you taking out your garbage is "whatever" or he seems glad you did it so he wouldn't have too, he is running game on you and you need to check your man. I'm not saying you need to "control" him or make him do what you say. But if he isn't concerned about your feelings and your upset and you don't tell him. Then this is not good for the relationship. If your emotional stage is not strong and he is not concerned then you will not be happy.
So in conclusion I just want to say fellas, if you ever want to stop your girl from nagging on you all the time then start listening to what she is telling you.
Back in the caveman days it might have been excusable for an man to come home after hunting for dinner all day to forget to bring home some extra leaves for the cave woman's period. After All he was just trying to avoid being killed by a man eating lion for chrissakes. But today, when guys have no problem out right asking for sex (which isn't romantic), can't remember to get a diet Pepsi for his girl.
Men are a selfish breed who only seek justice for themselves with no regard to the woman and what she's worth. And women, because we also look for the perfect opportunity to bitch about something, fall victim to their selfish handicap for the justice of being right. That's right. Women like to be right and we will never pass up an opportunity to prove it.
For example, my friend asked her husband to get her a lemonade and he came back with a strawberry milkshake with a banana dipped in the middle. His reasoning was that he wanted her to try something new. It's moments like this that causes huge arguments and fights that last days in a relationship and causes friends like me write blogs about the stupid things men do.
So what is the problem that men have with listening? Seriously, what is the mechanical default in men's brain that prevents them to pay attention to the smallest of details? I know answer is not out their, but it doesn't matter because this isn't a problem that will ever be fixed. It's just part what makes men men. Let's face it women, he ain't never going to remember your birthday. It's the same time every year, but he just won't remember. Or he might never remember y'alls anniversary, or where you went on your first date and you know what, that's just shit on us.
Remember back in the day when that wonderful song from Destiny's Child came out called "Bills, Bills, Bills"? The song is about a boyfriend who starts using up his girlfriend's cellphone bill, making her pay every time they go out, maxing up her credit cards and going on shopping sprees with his friends. So she decides to get rid of him because he can't pay the bills that he's racking up on her credit.
Now, when the song came out there was this whole debate with men vs. women with the men asking "why she can't pay her own bills?" Many frustrated women fought to explain the song's theme to these hard headed me only to have their argument fall on deaf ears. When men here this song they don't hear the lyrics,
"Now you've been maxing out my cards/
Giving me bad credit buying me gifts with my
Own ends/ Haven't paid the first bill /
But you're steady heading to the mall /
Going on shopping sprees perpetrating /
to your friends that you be balling /
And then you use my cell phone /
Calling whoever that you think at home/
And then when the bill comes all of a sudden
you be acting dumb /Don't know where none of these
calls come from /When your mama's number's here more than once..."
The only line they hear is the course which goes,
"Can you pay my bills
Can you pay my telephone bills
Can you pay my automo-bills
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don't think you do
So, you and me are through"
And no matter how hard you explain it to them they always prove us right when it comes to listening. It's true that people believe what they want to believe and hear what they want to hear. I'm sure any guy will tell you about a time when their girl accused him of cheating when his entire story clearly explained he did not. The reason? People like drama. Especially men. Yeah, women like it too, but a woman would put in more effort to change themselves to reduce drama before a man would. I know this because I have done it, my girlfriends have done it, the men....NEVER.
Men claim that their woman is always nagging, always complaining and blah blah and then they blame her for causing the drama. Stop right there. Yeah, women do nag but that's only because men procrastinate.
I once told an ex to take out the garbage for me and my grandma. We were cooking and needed to make a new garbage bag because this one was full. My boyfriend said yeah he'll do it, but later. We didn't need it done later, we needed it to be done now. Otherwise we wouldn't have asked. Women are very good at giving directions and if it's something that can be put off until later then we'll tell you that it could be done later. We will literally say "Baby, I need you to take out the garbage later" or "Baby when you leave out can you take the garbage with you." If we're doing something to make your life easier the least you could do is get off your fucking ass for 2 minutes to run the garbage down to the trash.
Then of course when we just take matters into our own hands one of two things will happen, we're either going to yell at you for not doing what we asked when we asked or you're going to get upset at us for doing it ourselves because you claim that you were going to do it, but later. Either one is going to start an argument which could have been avoided it men only did what?.... Got up and did what we asked in the first place.
And this is why the drama is created by the guys. Because they know and expect us to get frustrated and angry about them not doing what we asked and they know an argument will come out of it. Otherwise they would have just gotten their lazy ass up and did what you asked.
And ladies if your man's response to you taking out your garbage is "whatever" or he seems glad you did it so he wouldn't have too, he is running game on you and you need to check your man. I'm not saying you need to "control" him or make him do what you say. But if he isn't concerned about your feelings and your upset and you don't tell him. Then this is not good for the relationship. If your emotional stage is not strong and he is not concerned then you will not be happy.
So in conclusion I just want to say fellas, if you ever want to stop your girl from nagging on you all the time then start listening to what she is telling you.
Hello and Welcome
My name is Asil and I will be blogging here about things and observations about my life. I know most of you don't know me and won't give two shits if I had a bad day or is currently experiencing a breakdown. That's not what this blog is about. This blog is about sharing my past experiences and what I've learned from them.
Over the last several years of my life I have gone through some crazy experiences with sex, men and women. Some that only my friends know and we laugh at and some that I am currently dealing with alone. Some of these experiences are my own but my friends have (or you have) experienced and I simply have an opinion about. I will be writing blogs related to what I have learned from the mistakes in my past (or other's mistakes) and talk about the people who have entered my life and made as impact.
I will also be giving advice about relationships because honestly, I think can. I will even have topics that I talk about that doesn't relate to me directly, but it's what's on my mind. The majority of my subject matter will be for mature audience and open minded people. I will be very blunt, but not for the purpose to shock you but to tell it like it is. It's my blog and I'll fucking curse if I want too. I will write the way I talk and I will speak freely about my friends problems, though I will not reveal their identity (because that's fair).
So please free to leave whatever comments you like.
Over the last several years of my life I have gone through some crazy experiences with sex, men and women. Some that only my friends know and we laugh at and some that I am currently dealing with alone. Some of these experiences are my own but my friends have (or you have) experienced and I simply have an opinion about. I will be writing blogs related to what I have learned from the mistakes in my past (or other's mistakes) and talk about the people who have entered my life and made as impact.
I will also be giving advice about relationships because honestly, I think can. I will even have topics that I talk about that doesn't relate to me directly, but it's what's on my mind. The majority of my subject matter will be for mature audience and open minded people. I will be very blunt, but not for the purpose to shock you but to tell it like it is. It's my blog and I'll fucking curse if I want too. I will write the way I talk and I will speak freely about my friends problems, though I will not reveal their identity (because that's fair).
So please free to leave whatever comments you like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
