You know, I haven’t blogged in a while, but that’s due to focus on other things, and me just not posting my blogs. I probably have about three blogs I’ve written over the last six months, but I haven’t posted them. I need to blog more. Anyway, I did want to write about my relationship with Guy. We are heading into our 8th month and getting super excited about moving in together. Yes, we are moving in together. After my disastrous relationship with Joe I honestly didn’t think I’d ever do that again. The thought of there being a man who can sacrifice and give me what I want and vice verse seemed unrealistic. Getting married seemed unrealistic. Having kids and house…psst! Dreams! Now it seems as those dreams are coming into reality (with the exception of kids, I think I can scratch that one off my list. Thanks Dana!). Without trying I found myself in a relationship with a wonderful man, the kind other people tell you about, but you never really believe you’d actually date one. I never dreamt that I would be the one sitting on the couch while he makes dinner. I never thought he’d be the one picking up the tab. Mostly, I never thought I’d want to call someone who wasn’t James Franco or Ryan Gosling (Matt Damon’s out of the picture because he’s married) my husband. But here we are…eight months later I’m saving up money, looking at apartments, and trying to get my shit together so we can move in. Suddenly it’s “we” and not “me.” It’s “us” and not “I’m.” He’s met the family; I’ve met some of his friends. I agreed to live with his cats although I’m allergic. I put up with his smoking because I love him. I go fishing; I rode on his motorcycle, hell I even shot a gun because it’s what he loves. Who have I become? The crazy thing is that I did all these things just to be with him and I enjoyed them. I would have never done any of those things if he hadn’t suggested. I’m not saying I love guns or smoking (which I certainly don’t), but I love to make him happy and that makes me happy. It’s not to say he hasn’t opened up for me. He’s gone out and seen the Harry Potter movie with me. We saw the Twilight film together. He even endured “Ides of March” and he HATES politics. Sometimes he’s just going to have to watch “Dancing with the Stars” and House Hunters. But the biggest give and take has been him driving for two hours just to see me for less than 24 hours some times. We live over 200 miles away from each other and he comes to see me every time and never complains. He’s better than me because I couldn’t handle it (lol). Best yet our sex is awesome. I can’t believe I have what I have. When we’re together, shopping, building our lives together, everything feels natural. My future is with him. I see us old and gray (he’s halfway there lol) and I see us young and happy. I look forward to building a life with him and that is what makes my days so wonderful. After wedding through the bullshit I actually found that man that has made me a believer that there is something good out there.

I Prefer the DON'T GIVE UP APPROACH

I prefer the don’t give up approach.

So as I was trying to fall asleep last night--or this morning, whatever—I found myself thinking of random things regarding my life and my books. I started thinking about how I’m still young at 31 and still have years and years ahead of me and that I shouldn’t let it slip away because I’m worried about not succeeding. Then I think about where I am in life and how I’ve made some great leaps and bounds and that I’ve accomplished a lot more than I know.

I’ve written three books, although I only have two to show for it. I’ve discipline myself enough to know that my writing comes first and everything else is second. And I’ve moved out on my own, got a car and I’m doing what I can to take care of myself. In a nutshell, I’m successful, but I’m not done. I’ve accomplished a lot, but I’m not done.

So as I rattle my brain about writing the perfect query letter to send to agents so I can get published, I’m constantly fighting myself to get it right. I have been working on my second book for a full year now and while I’m much, much closer than I was then, I’m still not published. Well, at least with my book. I was successful at getting a very personal poem published, so that does make me a published author.

Still, writing this query letter has been the hardest thing. My book ain’t so easy to explain and every time I get close I read it again and realize that I’m miles apart. I have this thing where I keep starting and stopping and for some reason I don’t know why I do that. I have all these thoughts going through my head and I can’t find a way to quiet them.

Funny thing about that last line is that I actually have a book that is recommended by every writer’s guild book to read called, “Bird by Bird.” I started reading and stopped because I really thought it wasn’t helping. It’s a book about writing a book and that part I know. I don’t need help writing the book, it’s the query letter.

But maybe there is something in there that I should be reading. Maybe I’m denying myself success because I’m not being patient enough.

By the time I finish this blog I would have stopped, checked the internet, started, stopped checked out what was on TV, started, stopped, started, started, stop-started, stopped, gone to the kitchen and started again until I’ve finished. I might even sneak in a workout before this is done.

I’m easily distracted, which doesn’t make me a lazily writer. I don’t know what my job is here, but I know I want to finish this post. I wrote that line without thinking about it and to my surprise it makes sense. I don’t know why I need to write this, but I need too. I also don’t know if I should go work out or take a nap or both. Either way, I’m stepping away from the computer right now, because I know that’s what I need to do.

Well, since my last stop I took a nap for two hours, worked out for 30 minutes, took a nice long bath, cooked lunched and watched two full episodes of Sex and the City. I’m feeling much better than earlier when I literally didn’t know what to do next.

My body was telling me it needed rest, but I thought I was being lazy. Turns out that’s exactly what it needed so I gave it to it. When I woke up I needed energy so I powered through my first workout of the day. Then I needed fuel so I ate. Now I’m awake, energized and motivated to write. I received something in the mail that might lead me to the answers I’m looking for about my writing. Let’s hope my next blog will prove to be right.

A Good Piece of Fabric

I’m at that stage where I am unsure about whether or not I want to be in a relationship. I’m happy single, and when I say happy I mean it. I’m happy being on my own schedule, doing whatever I want to do and being dependant on me. I like coming home to my house and being alone in my space. Right now my life is all about me, me, me and at 31 it’s hard to see my life as a we, we, we.

Now, this is not to say I don’t want to have a relationship someday. In fact, I would like that very much. I would like to turn into a “we” one day, but only with the right “he.” I’m not a girl who dates a guy just to avoid being lonely. Those are the most pathetic women in the world: “I stay with him so I don’t have to be alone.”

If that’s your argument now when does it end?
I recent cared for a 79 year old woman who had been married for 52 years before her husband died, and then she remarried a year later. Then she got Dementia and he left her at the drop of a hat because he couldn’t take care of her. She was so heartbroken that she lost her will to live and her Dementia got the best of her. She stopped eating, sleeping and slowly her family watched as their mother and grandmother lost all her memories and just faded away.

She was 79, but she probably had another 5 to 10 years on her. My aunt has been living actively with Dementia for about 10 years and she hasn’t reached that stage where her decline is so bad that she’s lost the will to live. My aunt is 89 years old and in all my 31 years I’ve never seen her with a man.

The point here is that once you’ve become independent you can pretty much survive anything, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone along the way.

I’m not going to pretend that I don’t get lonely or that sometimes I wish I had a companion around so I wouldn’t have to please myself (or cook my own dinner). However, the fact and I have learned to live for myself is a value that most don’t understand. There is no better gift to receive than the gift you give to yourself and that’s self love.

My ex-boyfriend once told me that he loved me more than he loved himself. I looked at him and thought I feel the same way; I love me more than I love you. And then I thought how sad that must be for him. I’m not saying that I was selfish and so should he, but to value someone else’s life over your own just because you aren’t happy with who you are is quite pathetic. I would put my life on the line for my sister, my grandma and my niece and nephews, but not because I love them more than I love myself. It’s because I just love them and I’d rather not live my life without them if I had the choice.

The type of love I’m looking for is with someone who I value. To determine the value of one’s life compared to your own is like comparing them to half of yourself. If a couple makes a whole, then I need my other half to be the best parts of about me that I don’t want to live without, but can.

Relationships are like clothes: we all have our favorite item because it’s cute and makes us look good, but eventually it wears thin and gets old. Some people chose to go out and throw it out for something new and some hold on to it because they would miss it too much. But the prefect item of clothing, like a relationship, will never go out of style or wear thin if you picked a good, solid piece of fabric to begin with.

So that’s basically what I’m looking for, a good piece of fabric to begin with. So far I haven’t had much luck with the outfits I’ve tried one, but like everything in life it will be worth the wait once I’ve found it.

Match This!

So I’m watching a television commercial for Match.com and I notice how they are pushing the idea that if you join their site you’re more likely to find a husband or wife. The people in these commercial are in their 30’s and 40’s and seem to be at that settling down age. The age of desperation.

Look, I have nothing against online dating as I am a serial online dater. However, the commercials and advertisements used these days is sort of making online dating look like last acts of desperation. The actors in the commercials are talking about how people they know all met their new spouse from the site.

I remember when the commercials used to just be geared toward meeting someone new and the possibility of marriage. Now they’re all up in your face and telling your business. “I need to find a husband. I’m desperate.” What a sad start to what used to be an exciting possibility. Now people are joining with the hopes of getting married soon. Like marriage is the only goal of dating.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against marriage, but it’s not for everyone. I don’t know if I can see myself as the marrying kind. I used to think I just thought that way because I don’t have anyone in my life that I would like to marry, but actually I don’t think that’s it. I don’t see the value in being married if it’s just a means to an end.

What do I mean by that?

So let’s go deeper. Look at Match.com or Eharmony.com and how they market. Marriage, marriage, marriage. They’ve picked up on the fact that people are desperate to “jump the broom.” The reason is because no one wants to be lonely. No one wants to be without someone to come home too. And most important, you want to stop looking, for Godsakes!

You’re up to here with dating loser after loser and damnit—it’s time to finally find the one and get over it. This is especially true for women who are not married and are past the old age of 30. Little girls are prodded at a young age to go out and get a man. Even my sweet, old grandmother used to pressure my sister and I into getting a boyfriend teach us how to drive.

The reliance of finding a mate to live our lives with is so heavy as we get older that many marry young and regret it before they turn 30. Two of my best friends who got married before turning 25 are already in divorce court. Tragic! They thought life started at 22 and this was the perfect time to settle down. That’s what all 20 something’s tell themselves because they want to be independent from their parents and getting married is the ultimate statement that says, “I’m grown and I can do whatever I want.”

But seriously, are you ready for marriage at 22? Are you ready at 30? You’ll probably have a better success rate of marriage if you’re in your 30’s when you finally get married because you would have some life experience to rely on, but your motives might be just as juvenile as a 20 year old. You just decided it’s time, you aren’t getting any younger, and you want a family.

I figured this; I’ll be 31 in August, which means I’ll have a good 19 years or so to have kids before I turn 50. It’s an incentive to go ahead and marry that loser I got rid of last year and get started on this family. I mean those are valid reasons to get married, right?

That’s how women think. They feel life is passing them by and they don’t want to be old parents and never see their kids grow up and blah, blah, blah. Truth is, however, life expectancy for our generation is growing. We’re living longer due to the advancement of science, medicine, and healthier environments. My cousins still have their great-grandparents. My grandmother is still alive and my nieces and nephews still have at least great-grandparent.

So what I’m saying we’re racing to a finish line that’s been extended by years. We’re expected to have more people in our generation to make it to 100. Can you imagine life expectancy at 100? That’s amazing, so what’s the rush to say, “I do?” You’re not missing anything.

Celebrities are marrying late and having kids in their 40’s. Kudos to them for getting their life in order before starting that family. Imagine having all you want in life except a family. It would be an easier transition into family if you had everything else in check. If you actually took the early years of your life and applied them to accomplishing the things you wanted to do like take the job that could move you across country. Dedicate a time to your career and get the career you want so you can relax with your family once you’re ready.

Point is, second marriages work out better because you were smarter the second time around (usually). That has a lot to do with the fact that by time people have that second marriage they’re in their late 30’s or early 40’s. They have fulfillment elsewhere and finding “the one” was just the icing on the already sweet cake.

If you’re in your 30’s and still not married, don’t worry about it. It’s not the end of the world and if you’re patient you’ll find your future Mr. or Mrs…or so they say ;)

The Adjustment Bureau- Late review

Well, I guess I’ll blog since I feel like writing, but I don’t feel like working on my book. I saw “The Adjustment Bureau” today with one of my favorite actors, Matt Damon. It was a thriller/love story of sort with a fantasy effect. Kind of in the same sense as “Hereafter,” only lovelier. I have to say I really enjoyed this film. Good acting, good chemistry between him and Emily Blunt who is just a splendid actress. Truly one of our generations best.

The film is about an inspiring politican (David) who meets a woman (Elise) after losing his senate race and falls head over heels for her. Then by chance he meets her when his guardian angel of sort (played by the brillant Anthony Mackie) falls asleep and misses his opportunity to delay David (Damon) on his way to work. While on the city bus he spots his lost love Elise (Blunt) and the sparks fly instantly. The flirting, the charming, the playful insults all work together to give you the sense that these two belong together.

Meanwhile, David’s guardian chases after the bus in a desparate attempt to derail David, but it’s too late. David get’s Elise number and arrives to work on time. This is a problem for the Adjustment Bureau because David walks in and catches them with his co-workers frozen in their place, doing some “retooling” on them. After a chase through the office, David is caught by the Bureau and is held captive-momentarily.

After being told they don’t have the clearance to erase David’s minds, they decide to let him in on the little secret about the Bureau. They tell him that they plan out everyones lives, everything happens because they make it so, and it’s only by “chance” that some things happen outside their control, like him running into Elise on the bus that morning. To make a long story slightly shorter, David does all he can to defy the Bureau and literally works his way around every obstacle in order to be with the woman he knows she’s supposed to be with.

All in all, very well done, which is good because the storyline is unique. I like how Matt Damon has found a way to combine good love stories and action suspense in his movies. Sure, he’s not the one writing them, but the fact that he is the prefect actor to pull this difficult type of story off is what makes this speical and good. I won’t write more about the story because I believe it’s worth checking out.

Tax Bitches!

Let’s just call a cow and cow and stop treating it like it’s a horse. Americans (mainly the GOP and Tea Party) need to wake up and smell the truth: this is NOT Regan’s America. If I hear one more bitchy complaint about how Regan cut taxes by balancing the budget (while leaving the poor to sit in their own poop) I’m going to smack the shit out of that person. This is a whole new century, why are you still acting like old tactics still work?

The GOP and Tea Party raised a lot of hell in 2010 about the deficit and how Obama and the Dems needs to stop spending and borrowing and start cutting down the deficit. They made a huge point and successfully pointed out that yes, America is losing its thrill and money and we need to cut down the deficit. However, these power-horny (yes, I said horny) morons failed to offer up a plan that will do it without raping lower class America.

I’m sorry if my parents didn’t work themselves to death to put me through school—oh wait they couldn’t, my mom died early and my dad did what he could to raise two kids. No, this isn’t a sob story; this is just one of many that are American stories. The Tea Party and GOP seem to think the only real American’s are themselves. They’re always on television talking about how they represent “real America.” Who the fuck do they think “real America” is?

I’ll tell you who they think real America is: corporations. Look, there is no excuse for a billion dollar corporation to not have to pay a penny in federal taxes. Here’s an example, Bank of America made $1 billion last year from tax payers and paid $0 in federal taxes. I, a tax payer with a Bank of America bank account, made $46,000 last year and I have to pay $56 in federal taxes. Sure not bank busting but how is it that a lone, single female with no property has to shell out more taxes than a huge corporation with branches all over the fricking country?
That’s what “real America” is folks.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t pay taxes, hell I don’t complain about having too because I knew growing up that was a part of life. But don’t yell fuck you to my fast by trying to justify your ridiculous tax breaks to the wealthy. Paying taxes is part of being an American. You have to pay to live in this country. Every other working and functioning country that pays taxes do it and live with it.

It’s high time the GOP and Tea Party realize America is not the exception. Either you guys stop complaining about doing the obvious and pay your fucking taxes, or take your tax hating asses to Canada. See how well that works out for you.

For Colored Girls review

I watched this movie from Tyler Perry called “For Colored Girls” and it was probably his better film. Of course that’s not really saying much since all of Tyler Perry’s movies are shit and this was just a step above shit which is crap. So “For Colored Girls” is crap. I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was something worthy of the style in which he tried to present it. Tyler, unfortunately, doesn’t know how to be a filmmaker. His problem is that he thinks films and plays are the same, but he needs to learn that they are two different arts.

So here’s what he tried to do: he took some well written poems and tried to tell dramatic stories around them. He incorporated the poems into the screenplay and tried to make it work as dialog, much like music in musicals work when a song tells the story in place of dialog. It’s a clever conception; unfortunately Mr. Perry isn’t a clever enough filmmaker to make this work.

The problem with Mr. Perry’s movies is, sadly, his directing. He has a great vision for what he wants to do, but misses by that much when it comes through as a completed film. It’s one thing to see something and think “I would like to do that for my film.” But if you don’t know the purpose for doing it then the effect doesn’t work.

Take the opening shots for example. The camera follows one of main characters kicking out one of her (many) men and we follow him out the building where the camera stops to introduce another main character. The camera then follows that character back into the building and we get her story going and eventually we follow that character out the building where we are introduced to another character coming into the building and then we follow her.

The style in which Mr. Perry uses isn't bad, however, he immediately over uses the style. We have seen this style of camera movement before in films and there is a trick to pulling this off seamlessly. Tyler Perry should have only done that move once, in the opening to introduce one character, but he did twice and that immediately bored the viewer because the magic of how effective that filming technique has been over used and it was no longer creative.

The average person might not have noticed that, but a film critic would. I don’t want to sound like I’m talking out my ass here, but I love film art. I don’t watch movies just for entertainment, but for the art of filmmaking. Which is why things like this catch my eye. Trust me, every shot in a film is thought out like a math problem. That shot alone probably too three hours to a day to set up, about 10 people behind the camera to make sure everything worked on time and about three or four or more takes before they got to what was in the film. So if you think I’m being nick picky about that one shot, you don’t know film art.

Now, back to the poems being dialog. This was not a terrible idea, if this was a play. In a play you are allowed to be over dramatic and theatrical, which is what happens when you put poetry in the dialog. But the beauty of film dialog is to be real. Film, whether fact or fiction, is supposed to give the illusion of us peaking in on this characters lives as if this was happening. We are supposed to see these lives as we see our own. People are supposed to talk and act as we do in real life, in some way, shape or form.

This is why we except animals as humans who speak English. We create something that is like us making it easier for us to connect to it and view it as something from us. Musicals work in this form because music is something we all can relate too. It doesn’t matter what kind of music you listen to, music is easier to pass off dialog because we all have a musical soundtrack to our lives.

The music you listen too relates to you in your life. I’m sure at some point in your life, whether it was walking to school listening to your headphones or at home doing the dishes with the radio playing, you felt that sense that a song was saying what you were feeling or what was happening. If you’re in love and a beautiful love song comes on you’re probably going to feel as if your world is being narrated by that song.

This does not work with a poem because everyone doesn’t like poems and certainly people don’t walk around as if a poem is narrating their lives. Some might, but chances are they are probably poets. So to replace dialog with poems in a film does not come across well. Mr. Perry would have been better with just making a less dramatic film inspired by the poem, not lead by them.

Mr. Perry needs to work on ending his films on more realistic notes as well. This movie ended with two women in a strained relationship with their mother, a successful woman with HIV from her undercover-brother husband (over the fucking top there), a rape victim, and a woman in mourning over the lost of her two children who were murdered by her abusive husband—all on a rooftop celebrating as if a tragedy never happened. I know the point is supposed to be, “Life goes on,” but does not like this.

The problem I have with this ending is that it’s generic. Very generic and unrealistic and it doesn’t fit the story. Tyler Perry always tries to wrap up over dramatic movies on a romantic comedy note and you just can’t do that. You can’t fill a movie with 90 minutes of crying, sadness and drama and spend the last 5 minutes as if life is just so sweet, even with all our horrible troubles. Yeah right!

So Mr. Perry, you are getting better, but you have so much to learn. You need to learn how to balance drama with comedy with a happy ending. Learn and understand what it means to make a movie and deliver on completing the journey. You are very lazy in your attempt to make something beautiful by coping what every other film does without understanding the motives. Find your identity and go with it. Learn to be original, because right not you are a half-assed imitation of a true filmmaker.